Realization.

i feel like im going crazy.
[note: proper punctuation can kiss my ass]
i keep having dreams about my ex, my high school sweetheart to be exact, and then he gets brought up the other day. all while im here visiting my mother and i think that im just starting to realize that a lot of the reason that i left long island is because everything here reminds me of him...EVERYTHING and today even the music on my ipod made me reminisce. i feel like im falling apart. my gut keeps telling me that im still crazy about him but we dont even speak... he lives states away. on top of that, my sister swears he and i are meant to be.
to make matters worse... here i am, knocked up and with a guy that i currently cant stand and do not trust as far as i could throw him. im racking my brain trying to figure out what it is, why i cant stand him, why its so hard for me to trust him (besides the past lie and the drinking). whenever im not there he ends up at a bar with his ex and he swears that nothing happens but i just dont believe it. would you? i feel so stuck. i think my sister was right, if i wasnt pregnant i wouldnt be with him. but... when i wasnt pregnant i loved being with him and i trusted him. he also hadnt lied to me yet...
i feel so horrible.. i am horrible. i should be happy about this... i should be happy about this little one i just dont have it in me to be. i keep pushing him away... i know i am and i cant stop it and hes letting me.
i should probably get some sleep, im supposed to drive back in the morning... i wish i didnt have to.

Resistance.

I keep trying to force myself to trust my boyfriend and I just can't do it. I feel like he lies about everything. EVERYTHING.
I don't know what to do. He keeps telling me "you can trust me, believe me." That's the same thing he said right after lying to me about talking to his ex-girlfriend. We are going to have a baby together and I'm practically dreading it. I'm really hoping that it is just my hormones going haywire and not that I really hate him because it's bad enough that I'm feeling stuck in this place because I'm pregnant, I don't want to feel even more stuck because he's the father. I don't even know if that makes sense. I don't care either. His royal assholeness went out drinking again last night with the people he works with... women mainly. He got trashed, again. That's when things start to not add up and the lies start to flow from his mouth like the Nile flows from Al-Mogran. I think that he has a drinking problem and he disagrees, typical of an addict right? I mean, it would take a lot for him to admit that he has a problem. Ask him how much he drank the night before and he'll say... "a decent amount", which means, "enough to get me fucked up". I'm on the verge of calling it quits, just being done with it. Done with him. He doesn't care about how I feel or what I say and at some point that's gotta give, doesn't it? I mean... will he ever wake up? Will he ever realize that he is going to be a father and that things need to change, he needs to change. I'm having my doubts. I just don't think it will ever happen.
All this shit has got me to the point where I can't even tell him that I love him. It's almost impossible for me to get the words out. Why should I tell someone that I love them when they are making it painfully clear that they don't really love me?

Change...

I used to think that my blogs were filled with really profound thoughts and wisdom I wasn't sure I could dish out until I just let things flow. Then I went back and read them and decided that it was time for a new one. The things that seem profound and wise when in High School just don't count for a "twenty-something". Although, I will probably never say anything as profound as I did when I kept those blogs. Why? Simple. I didn't care what people thought about the things I wrote, it didn't matter if they thought that I was crazy or artistic or suicidal. Things change though... I miss the carefree teenage angst that I used to vent into my computer and allow the world to read, including my closest friends who will, no doubt, never been intentionally linked to this blog. If one happens to stumble upon it on their own, that is fine, but I am not going to promote my ramblings on anyone. As much as I miss that person, I couldn't imagine being anyone but who I am today. I am not where I wanted to be at this point in my life but I have so many things that I would not change for the world.

"Change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant."