Realization.

i feel like im going crazy.
[note: proper punctuation can kiss my ass]
i keep having dreams about my ex, my high school sweetheart to be exact, and then he gets brought up the other day. all while im here visiting my mother and i think that im just starting to realize that a lot of the reason that i left long island is because everything here reminds me of him...EVERYTHING and today even the music on my ipod made me reminisce. i feel like im falling apart. my gut keeps telling me that im still crazy about him but we dont even speak... he lives states away. on top of that, my sister swears he and i are meant to be.
to make matters worse... here i am, knocked up and with a guy that i currently cant stand and do not trust as far as i could throw him. im racking my brain trying to figure out what it is, why i cant stand him, why its so hard for me to trust him (besides the past lie and the drinking). whenever im not there he ends up at a bar with his ex and he swears that nothing happens but i just dont believe it. would you? i feel so stuck. i think my sister was right, if i wasnt pregnant i wouldnt be with him. but... when i wasnt pregnant i loved being with him and i trusted him. he also hadnt lied to me yet...
i feel so horrible.. i am horrible. i should be happy about this... i should be happy about this little one i just dont have it in me to be. i keep pushing him away... i know i am and i cant stop it and hes letting me.
i should probably get some sleep, im supposed to drive back in the morning... i wish i didnt have to.